FML Daily

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

FML Daily

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

FML Daily

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

FML Daily

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

Use Your iPhone As Your Key In Hilton Hotels Next Year

Starting next year, you’ll be able to bypass the front desk altogether in Hilton hotels, your iPhone serving as as your hotel room key.

 Hilton’s adoption of the technology moves it very much into the mainstream. The group told the WSJ that it will begin introducing the new door locks next year, and expects to complete the global roll-out by the end of 2016.

FML Daily

Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML

FML Daily

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on a bus. When I awoke suddenly, half of the bus was staring at me, with some people giggling and smiling. I have no idea what I did. FML

FML Daily

Today, the heater went out at work. I was shivering so hard that someone thought I was having a seizure. FML

FML Daily

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

That's Crazy... 4 Shot In Detroit After Dispute Over Tax Refund

Four people were injured in a shooting Friday at a tax business on Detroit's east side after a dispute broke out over a refund. Police arrested the shooting suspect near the scene, and a second person, wanted for allegedly assaulting a security guard, turned herself in to police Friday evening. 

 The shooting happened just after 3:30 p.m. at Tax City Tax Service in a strip mall on the 7400 block of Gratiot. Three people are in serious condition and a fourth is in critical condition. According to police, a 27-year-old female customer became upset because her tax refund wasn't ready. 

FML Daily

Today, I went to a family reunion. I laughed at my uncle's Sylvester Stallone impression. Turns out he had a stroke a while back. FML

FML Daily

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

Thats Crazy... Man CarJacks Truck, Gets Caught By Footprints In The Snow

A 32-year-old Houston man was arrested Thursday afternoon after he carjacked a driver in a U-Haul truck in Georgetown, police said today. 

 Kevin M. King II was charged by Georgetown police with carjacking, possession of a firearm during a felony, aggravated menacing and theft of a motor vehicle, and charged with cocaine possession and resisting arrest by Ellendale police, said Georgetown Lt. Lawrence Grose. 

 About 2:36 p.m. officers from Georgetown assisted Ellendale officers on a traffic stop at N. Old State Road in Ellendale where a driver of a stolen U-Haul box truck fled from the officers. 

FML Daily

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

FML Daily

Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML

FML Daily

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

Thats Crazy... Teen Throws Boiling Water On Girl For Unfriending Him On Facebook

A spurned teen took revenge on a girl by burning her face with boiling water after she unfriended him on Facebook, according to police in India.

 The Independent reports that the boy, from Bihar state in northern India, came to the 15-year-old victim's house on Wednesday and said he had left his I.D. in the home. He then allegedly shoved the girl's mother aside and poured water on the victim's face.

 The Times of India reported that the girl was taken to a hospital where she's being treated for burns to 20 percent of her face including her right cheek and right side of her neck.

FML Daily

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

FML Daily

Today, while swimming in the ocean, I felt some sand under my wedding ring. I took it off for a second, and got hit by a huge wave. My ring is now lost somewhere in the ocean. FML

FML Daily

Today, I donated blood. Afterwards, I regained consciousness on the floor with a half-eaten cookie in my mouth. FML